Bereavement group helps those with loss deal with holidays

The holidays are supposed to be a joyous time. Everybody knows that. Television and radio commercials remind us, as well as store window displays and newspaper circulars, and everyone around us won’t let us forget we should be brimming with holiday cheer. Except, not everyone is. People who have suffered the loss of a loved one may feel it more acutely at the holiday season with all the glitter and glee coming at them from all angles. For this reason, the bereavement group at Blessed Kateri Teakewana Parish on the border of Sparta and Byram townships holds a four-week session just before Christmas each year, along with a six week session in the spring. Janice Illingsworth, a veteran of the bereavement group since it was founded, and Kathy Kwasnik, a newer volunteer, described the purpose of a peer counseling group and the significance of meetings prior to the holidays. The bereavement group was founded by Diane Farley, who joined Blessed Kateri from Our Lady of the Lake parish when the new church opened 18 years ago. Farley, who has since moved out of the area, had previous experience with a bereavement group and recruited Illingsworth to join her. “I volunteer for a lot of things,” Illingsworth said,. “I realized this wasn’t available when I needed it years ago, and it sounded like there was a real need in the community now. I thought I might have the skills to meet it.” A parish full of young families with plenty of programs for children and teens, Blessed Kateri nonetheless has had a need for a bereavement group since that first season with people attending each session. Not all are from the parish, of course, since the group is advertised in other churches, Roman Catholic and Protestant. Illingsworth said the timing of the two groups each year came after much trial and error, but a holiday group seemed natural. “At first we started the week after Thanksgiving,” Kwasnik said, “but then we realized people needed it the week before.” Kwasnik saw an announcement about the group in the church bulletin at the time a close friend had lost her husband, so she directed her friend to get help. About a year later, Kwasnik’s husband died and the friend led her to the group. She kept attending group meetings for nearly three years. “It was goal oriented, not just talking, although of course we encourage the bereaved to do that, too, but they gave me concrete steps and told me what they wanted to see me achieve.” In 2005, she volunteered as a counselor. Illingsworth noted “There is no formula. Everyone grieves in his or her own way and that’s OK. And there is no timetable.” Kwasnik said, “People come in and ask, `Is this normal?’ about all sorts of behaviors all the time.” “You don’t get over it,” Kwasnik noted. “Some people think they are going to be done grieving. A lot of the emotional things will pass in time, but there isn’t an end.” Illingsworth described the sessions as “guided talk,” “If we leave the meetings too wide open, there is a lot of floundering,” she explained, so the facilitators try to steer the discussions in a productive manner. “Part of the grieving process is telling the story,” Kwasnik noted. Unfortunately, family and friends may soon tire of hearing the story while the bereaved still needs to talk about it. The group is receptive. Both women noted that if the facilitators feel a participant in the group needs something more, they will refer that person to therapy. “We are not therapy,” Illingsworth emphasized. “We assess people’s needs cautiously and refer out if we feel it’s needed.” “We also recommend the grieving person check with a doctor if there are physical symptoms, even if they are probably the result of the grieving process. There is training for the facilitators. Kwasnik is a social worker by profession, Illingsworth has been a parish chaplain and another facilitator is a hospice counselor. The Archdiocese also provides training. “The best experience is loss itself,” Illingsworth noted. “Everyone has lost someone, but when people come to volunteer, we ask them about it. A significant loss impacts a person and they understand the grieving process.” Kwasnik noted there is no predicting how many people will attend any given group. They have had from four people to 15. Fifteen needs to be the maximum, Illingsworth said, since the meetings usually last about an hour and a half and more people than 15 would not be properly accommodated. Usually two facilitators handle a meeting. There are five facilitators on board now. Besides Illingsworth and Kwasnik are: Laura Entwistle, Carole Hasz and Shirley Zackman. Recruitment is different than for most church volunteer efforts. “You can’t just stand up during the announcements and ask for volunteers,” like they do for CCD teachers or sewing for the Christmas pageant, Illinsgworth noted. “People would come forward for all the wrong reasons.” Facilitators talk after the meetings, during cleanup after the meetings. “We debrief,” Kwasnik said. “We talk about any concerns we may have for the people who attended.” In addition, the facilitators meet over the course of the year to plan for the future and discuss how the program is going. In addition to the two series of meetings, the group schedules a Saturday morning workshop during the fall. It is not always on the same weekend, because it must meet the schedules of several people. They had a speaker last time, a local author, Keith Smith. One year they did a panel on different types of loss and another on the different aspects of loss, the emotional burdens but also the financial and sometimes the legal burdens. A widow and widowers’ coffee and conversation is also held. Widows and widowers tend to be the most faithful at attending, but people who have suffered any type of losses: parents, children, siblings, also attend. “A loss is a loss, we don’t compare,” Kwasnik said. She added, “It also doesn’t matter how long ago the loss occurred, some people are not ready to talk about it right away.” People find out about the group like Kwasnik did, through the bulletin or through a letter that is sent out to parishioners about every 18 months. Letters are also sent to other churches in the area. More specialized bereavement groups, such as Compassionate Friends for those who have lost children and Rainbows for All God’s Children, which have chapters in the area, may be more appropriate for certain people and the group will direct them to one of these. The dates of the spring group have not been set. Generally it starts in March to avoid “leaving hanging” the participants. Illingsworth said they will be announced after the first of the year.