‘You can’t do this on your own’: Byram woman turns grief into healing

Nicole Cunha could have given in to tragedy and sadness after her husband, Manny, died so young and so unexpectedly. Instead, though it took some time, she picked herself up, got herself into the proper training programs, and has become a life coach who specializes in grief.

She will be hosting a grief seminar on Saturday, May 22, from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. in Hacketttstown, where she will be teaching what normal grief looks like and how people responding to their emotions can affect how they move forward toward or away from healing. She will also provide practical strategies to help people to cope.

“In November 2013 (right after our youngest daughter, Brooke, was born) my husband started bleeding when he would use the bathroom,” Cunha said. “He felt that being so young it was just hemorrhoids, but the bleeding continued. I urged him to go to the doctor, but he really didn’t think it was a big deal.”

In April 2014 he started to have unbearable stomach pain. Cunha rushed him to the hospital. They ran some tests, concluded that he had colitis, and put him on antibiotics.

“Again, being so young, the doctors didn’t make much out of it,” she recalled. “A week later he broke out in a rash. He was having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics, which, looking back, I believe was an intervention by God because at that time, we were not aware, but he was misdiagnosed. The doctors then took him off of the antibiotics and scheduled him for a colonoscopy in May.”

Very soon after the doctor started the procedure, the scope hit a very large tumor in Manny’s colon.

“The doctor immediately knew it was cancer, and Manny was scheduled for surgery to remove the tumor for the next week,” Nicole said. “It was just a week before his 38th birthday, and he was told, ‘You have colon cancer and we have to act quickly.’ He was devastated. We all were because as you embark on a cancer journey it’s not just the person who has cancer who goes through it, it’s everyone the person with cancer is around that becomes affected by it. The caregivers deal with their own struggles and emotions as well.”

After the tumor was removed, Manny came home with an colostomy bag. However, his CEA numbers (a blood test to determine cancer levels in the body) did not go down. The doctors scheduled a PET scan as a follow-up.

“It was after that scan that we found out that the cancer had already spread to his liver,” Cunha said. “ He underwent many surgeries, two rounds of chemo, and radiation treatments only to have his health and mental state of mind continue to decline within the next year. I felt like I was watching him slowly die in front of me.”

She would later learn that what she was experiencing was “anticipatory grief” — grief that is experienced before a loss.

“The man that was always funny no longer had the energy to joke around anymore,” she said. “He lost his ability to do the things he enjoyed and his freedom to live life. It was incredibly hard to watch, and even harder for him to experience. I honestly don’t know how I made it through that time. We were struggling to survive financially, trying to work a self-employed business with mounting medical bills, and with him sick, and me trying to keep the business afloat while taking care of him and our two children.”

‘You need to build a support system’

Their youngest was just a year old at this time. Nicole started to see a social worker at the hospital for counseling.

“Her very best advice was, ‘Nicole, you need to build a support system. You can’t do this on your own,’” she said. “I didn’t know how right she would be about that, but looking back it was the best advice she could have ever given me. I always had faith and I prayed a lot and God provided.”

The family received huge support from family, friends, their church community, and even complete strangers.

When the final stages came, Manny and Nicole talked about what he wanted for his funeral. He picked out the funeral home and a cemetery where he wanted to be laid to rest not far away from his grandparents’ graves.

He told Nicole that at the funeral she should “just make nice,” and that’s what she did.

On Aug. 17, 2015, Manny lost his battle with cancer at their home in Byram Township, where he wanted to be in his last moments. He was only 39 years old. Nicole was 37 and a widow with two children, Brandi, age 11, and Brooke, just 21 months.

“Manny and I had been together for 21 years and married for 16 years, but now I had to figure out my life without him,” Cunha said. “ I can’t tell you that it was easy because it wasn’t. I was ever so grateful for that support system that I had built over the past year.”

That support system has continued to evolve and grow over the past six years. Cunha joined a grief support group at her church about seven months after Manny’s death. She calls it a blessing, but she knew she still had a long journey of healing ahead of her.

“It was like being in a pressure cooker of growth,” she said. “I was stretched in ways emotionally and mentally that I never knew possible. But I did grow, and I got stronger. I later was asked to lead that same grief support group that I attended.”

She went on to lead that very group as a volunteer for two years.

“It was an amazing opportunity to be able to help facilitate other people finding their way through grief and seeing them start to heal,” Cunha said. “I felt like I had a purpose for all my pain, and for me to be able to relate to other people on a level that only those who go through it can truly understand. Little did those people also realize, but they continued to help me to heal as well.”

After the two years, Cunha felt she was ready to continue her growth and learn new skills. She embarked on the journey of learning and certification as a life and grief support coach.

“I knew this was my calling,” she said.

In July 2020, she started Through the Tears Life Coaching, which focuses on grief support, learning how grief affects people in different ways, and the practical application of tools and skills to help people move toward healing.

“My vision is to bring people together in group settings to learn and receive support from me, as well as each other,” Cunha said.

To register for Saturday’s seminar, email nicolemarie@throughthetears.com or call 908-509-4772. For additional information and services, as well as additional upcoming events throughout the year, visit throughthetears.com